I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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