he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
