farters have to be the big spoon...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
