i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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