mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
