all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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