i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
