I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
