Someone shit on the floor
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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