If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
