I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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