why didn't you poke me back
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
