dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
