I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
