I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
