I just pynch a tree in the face
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
