he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
