Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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