Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
