I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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