I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
