i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Randomize
