Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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