I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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