Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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