"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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