he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize