I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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