My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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