Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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