Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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