i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
