I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
