You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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