google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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