FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
