she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
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Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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