I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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