Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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