Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
