Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
