So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
