I wish my penis had an off switch
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
