Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
