She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
