If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
