Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
