If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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