He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
