Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
