last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
