you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
