The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
