I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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