i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
