so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
