god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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