So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
