I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
