you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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