i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
