so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
