ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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